One of the biggest problems faced by women in relationships is getting their man to commit.
In his best-selling book, His Secret Obsession, relationship expert James Bauer claims to have solved it for you.
By helping you trigger his hero instinct.
If you haven’t come across the hero instinct yet, it’s a new concept in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment.
Like any self-respecting relationship geek, I wanted to see whether the book lives up to the hype. So I decided to buy it and give you my honest thoughts.
What does a 32 year old man who writes about psychology for a living think about the hero instinct? Is His Secret Obsession worth your time and money?
But how good is this book? Does it work? And should you buy it?
To help you make that decision, I bought the book and read the whole thing. And in this review I’ll give you my honest thoughts on whether or not you should read it too.
Spoiler alert: His Secret Obsession is fantastic, but it’s probably not suitable for every woman.
Read my epic His Secret Obsession review to find out.
What is His Secret Obsession?
His Secret Obsession tackles 3 big relationship issues:
- Why men lose interest in a woman after the initial attraction wears off
- Why men are reluctant to commit long term, even when the early signs of relationship are so promising
- Why men pull away suddenly and stop communicating with their partners.
James Bauer claims that men have instinctive needs when it comes to relationships, even if they are not consciously aware of them.
He calls it the hero instincts.
What the hero instinct boils down to is that men want to live meaningful lives and be appreciated for their efforts.
In short, men want to be an everyday hero (rather than a Thor-style hero). More importantly, they want to be a hero to the woman they’re in a relationship with.
The kicker is that it’s actually up to women to bring the hero instinct to the fore.
Because a man will be drawn to any woman who makes him feel like a hero and will be reluctant to commit when he doesn’t.
According to James Bauer, triggering the hero instinct will help you to:
- Get your man to commit to you and gain his love and devotion over the long term
- Strengthen the bond you already have, no matter how cold and distant he’s become
- If you’ve been through a break up, rekindle his interest in you and get him to chase you again.
These are bold claims.
Before I delve deeper into them, it’s important to learn something about the author making them…
Who is James Bauer?
James Bauer is a bestselling author and popular relationship coach.
He got his start as a trained psychologist and later became a professional relationship coach. For the past 12 years, he’s worked with thousands of men and women to help strengthen their relationships.
By carefully studying their cases, James Bauer discovered what he believes is the secret to deep, passionate and long lasting relationships: the hero instinct.
His approach is based on his own personal experience as a therapist and his research into human psychology.
James distilled all of this knowledge into his most recent book, His Secret Obsession.
Although I’m very familiar with James Bauer, I couldn’t find any good sources of information about His Secret Obsession. All I knew was the book was receiving a lot of hype and that it’s supposed to tap into male psychology to reveal what we really want from a relationship.
So, I read the book myself from cover to cover and decided to give my verdict on it here.
The hero instinct: What do I think about it?
The hero instinct is certainly a fascinating take on what drives men romantically.
I know first hand how important it is for everyone, both men and women, to live meaningful lives and dedicate themselves to what they care deeply about. I talk about this in detail in my eBook about taking responsibility for your life.
However, James Bauer takes the search for meaning a step further by applying it specifically to the way men approach dating and relationships.
I found it thought provoking.
James argues that men are actually pretty simplistic.
The one thing men want is to feel like heroes. He argues that it goes back to our primal nature to provide for women, protect them, and to feel essential to them.
After reflecting on this for some time, I think there is a lot of truth to it.
A man’s psyche feeds off of things like ego, and triggering the hero instinct helps appeal to that ego. Men want to step up for women and to earn her love and affection in return.
Because when it comes to deciding whether or not to take the plunge into a relationship (or to stay in one), men care less about your qualities – how you look, how funny you are, or whether you’re a firecracker in bed.
What we really care about is how the relationship makes us feel about ourselves.
I see a lot of myself in the way he describes men and what we need.
I’m not the most alpha of males. Sure, I drink beer and watch football, but I’m also a keen, I am student of psychology. I’ve written a book about mindfulness, and I’ve never fixed a single thing around my house.
But the drive for meaning, respect and to provide for the woman we care about are common to all men, including me.
What can you do to make your man a hero?
Okay, your man wants to be a hero. How do you activate this hero instinct? Do you have to get yourself stuck up a tree and hope he has a ladder?”
No, it’s much easier than that.
In His Secret Obsession, James Bauer shows you, step-by-step, how you can use the psychology of the hero instinct to awaken this primordial desire.
No ladders needed.
I won’t give these tips and strategies away, as that wouldn’t be fair to the author of the book, but what I can say is that they are practical and easy to action.
James will help you to:
- Win a commitment from the man of your dreams
- Build love into a long-term relationship
- Rekindle dying interest through the art of the chase.
Okay. So I hear your inevitable question: “isn’t this just a bunch of manipulation?”
No. It’s not a series of mind games or creepy manipulative tactics. It’s not about putting on a persona or playing hard to get.
His Secret Obsession is about presenting yourself as a person who has needs – needs that your man has the ability to fill. Then, you encourage him to tap into his hero instinct by fulfilling your needs.
Relationships are about give and take. His Secret Obsession shows you how you can give and show your man how he can give back.
When done right, you’ll be able to gain passion and commitment through your relationship.
His Secret Obsession Best Price
His Secret Obsession is often available for a discounted price. Check out the official website for the current cheapest deal.
How do you trigger the hero instinct?
His Secret Obsession makes the persuasive case that men want to feel like heroes to the women in their lives.
However, the best aspect of the book – and what sets it apart from other dating guides on the market – is that it actually describes specifically how to do it. This is an immensely practical guide that will teach you how to awaken the hero in your man.
While the first part of the book explains what the hero instincts is all about, the second part is a workbook that helps you apply these techniques in your own relationship.
You’ll learn the exact phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.
I won’t give them away. But what I can say is that they are practical and easy to put into action.
I know they’ll work for you because many of them would work on me. Not in a manipulative way, but as common sense things women can do to give men what they really crave from a relationship.
Just to be clear: His Secret Obsession isn’t about silly mind games. You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not.
Instead, it’s about showing a man what your needs are and allowing him to fulfill them. You’re simply fulfilling his desire for meaning, respect, and to provide you something no other man can.
Your man will feel better about himself and he will see you in a whole new light – which will only lead to a better relationship between the two of you.
Who is His Secret Obsession Not For?
Like every product, His Secret Obsession is not for everyone. This book is targeted exclusively for women in heterosexual relationships.
There is not a companion guide for men, nor does James have any dating guides for same-sex couples. Maybe he has additional books coming down the pike for other types of relationships. Who knows.
Regardless, same-sex couples will not benefit from the advice in this book.
It’s also not for people who aren’t looking to make an improvement in their love lives. If you feel that you have nothing to gain or improve, then you probably should skip this book.
My experience with His Secret Obsession
As a man, I’m not James Bauer’s intended audience. But I think that helps with the objectivity of my review.
Only a short way into the book I started to resonate with the central theme: That men have the instinct to step up for women and be a hero to them.
Although in 2020, and with the political correctness that tends to dominate society, it may seem that we’ve gone past the whole “primal instinct” thing.
However, we really haven’t. Men are still men. And we’re still driven by the same instincts we’ve always had.
We still want women to desire us. We still want women to need us.
His Secret Obsession was extremely comprehensive at over 200 pages. However, it was still easy to read. There were a lot of examples that kept me engaged and it never strayed into a too-far-off territory where it “lost” me.
As the founder of Hack Spirit, I read a lot of dating books. I need to offer my readers as many unique perspectives as I can. Yet I also need to filter out the genuinely useful approaches to finding love from gimmicks that simply don’t work in real life.
The best thing about His Secret Obsession for me was that I came across new ideas, tips and strategies that I’ve never read before.
Everything about the book is based on male psychology and how to tap into it to improve your own relationship.
James Bauer doesn’t pretend to be a dating “guru”.
He simply outlines simple truths based on male psychology and his own experience working with women and men over the last 12 years.
Rachel and the 12 word text
One interesting part of the book is when you meet Rachel.
You’ll be introduced to her at the beginning of the book.
Rachel is one of James Bauer’s favorite clients who was struggling in her relationship. Not wanting to come off as clingy, she hung back. But there was radio silence as her man didn’t text or call back.
So, Rachel reached out to James Bauer, her relationship coach.
He gave her a 12 word text to use on her boyfriend. Soon enough, he came right back to Rachel.
While James was pleased with the outcome, he wasn’t happy that he only helped one woman. He knew that he could help others who were going through a similar thing. That’s when he decided to write.
In the book, James Bauer reveals this exact 12 word text that triggered the hero instinct in her boyfriend.
How much does it cost?
The book sells for $47. Included in the price is the 200+ page main eBook, workbook and bonus materials.
Now, $47 for a book may raise a few eyebrows. It certainly costs more than a tub of yogurt. However, James Bauer put a lot of work into this book and accompanying resources so I can understand the price tag.
I’ve also noticed that a few websites are selling black market copies of the book.
To ensure you’re getting an original copy that includes all the bonus materials, as well as your 60-day money back guarantee, always grab it from the official website.
The pros of His Secret Obsession
As with any book, there were things I really liked about His Secret Obsession and a few things that weren’t as good.
Let’s start with the good.
- The only dating book you’ll need. With over 200 pages and a bunch of bonus materials, you have absolutely everything you need to succeed in your relationship. I learned a lot about how women should approach dating and relationships and, surprisingly, I also learned some things about myself.
- Everything is practical. Throughout his book, James Bauer talks about the things women can do to trigger a man’s hero instinct. You’ll learn the exact phrases, texts, and little requests you can make. Remember that James Bauer has worked with countless clients over the past 12 years and has seen first hand how his techniques work with real couples.
- Methods are research based. His claims are backed up by the latest research in psychology. For instance, each time he talked about why a man wants to feel like a protector or how a woman “claiming” you is a turn on for a guy, it’s backed up with evidence. Although there were a few times I thought something may not always work on me, the reasoning behind it was always compelling.
- Easy to download. Because His Secret Obsession is an eBook, you don’t have to wait to get it in the mail. You can start reading it immediately.
- Money back guarantee. Not everyone will love every dating guide out there, but with this one, there’s no risk. With a 60-day money back guarantee, there’s not really anything to lose out on.
As much as I enjoyed reading the book, it’s not perfect. Here are its cons.
- Treating all men the same. This is a personal thing, but I found the tone of writing a little condescending at times. Now, it could be because I was reading it as a guy and not a woman. But there were times it seemed like he was painting all men with the same brush.
- It’s only on eBook/audio. For some people, a true book is a paperback. But His Secret Obsession is only available by eBook and audiobook. I read the eBook from cover to cover but I also tried listening to the audiobook. The voice was calm and confident.
- Price. For an eBook, the price of $47 is more than most. Though it’s not a ton of money, it’s still something you need to consider.
My His Secret Obsession review verdict: Is it worth it?
So, after reading the book and writing my His Secret Obsession review, do I think it’s worth it?
There are two things I look for when I recommend a new book.
- I want it to be thought provoking and to learn new things
- I want it to be VERY practical. There is little point in gaining a new perspective on something if you can’t apply it to everyday life.
James Bauer delivers on both fronts.
Therefore, I think it’s well worth the price. $47 isn’t pocket change, but I haven’t come across a dating book as comprehensive or insightful as this one.
contains the wisdom of a relationship expert with 12 years in the industry, as well as tips and strategies based on concrete human psychology.
I learned a lot about myself and the things I subconsciously desire as a man, and I can only imagine how helpful this will be for women too.
If you’re struggling to get a man to commit or want a better relationship, may just become your secret weap
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